sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
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I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.