Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
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If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
2 years later
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?