not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
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i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Haha good job!!
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Saturday
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash