Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
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You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Just grow your own
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb