Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
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If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
lmao
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
✌️
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.