I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
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never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them