Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
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ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.