It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
This will never not be funny to me.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying