Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
You Might Also Like
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Tuesday
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.