What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
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Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
me: my friends:
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.