Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
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Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
me linking you to my twitter
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”