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Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Kids, do not try this at home!
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.