OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
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Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.