OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
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Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Seems a bit forward
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add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
it was a valiant fight
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DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name