If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
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healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough