I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Just had my nails done!
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*