[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
very niche meme I made
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.