Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
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The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.