You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
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Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Phonetics
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house