Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
You Might Also Like
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?