The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Me in tagged photos
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
🤣😂🤣
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.