Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
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going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
When I said I liked it rough.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.