American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
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Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
R.I.P.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.