You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
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I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class