I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
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[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I hate my earbuds.
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If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.