Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
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CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her