Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
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The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
🤭😂
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.