*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
You Might Also Like
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.