My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths