Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
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[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!