[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
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opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”