My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
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I don’t understand what’s happening here.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID