The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
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I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Duolingo getting serious.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Beards are a privilege, not a right
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox