Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
You Might Also Like
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
water it, i dare you
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol