Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
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I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Lmfaoooooo
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
🏙👨🏼
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.