Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
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There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Omg 🤣
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.