When I can’t barge, I careen.
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[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude