@AmericanGent69

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

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@bewgtweets

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

@MegsHAUSTED

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

@marcusthetoken

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

@MomofTeen

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

@AndyAsAdjective

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

@KentWGraham

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

@Ryan_Patricks

*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*

@oneawkwardmom

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

@Tbone7219

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.