Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

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Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?


HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth


A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.



My measurements?
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.


I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.


My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.


*Dog begging for chocolate bar*

“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”

*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*


I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker


People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.