@bewgtweets Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
@AmericanGent69 Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
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@bewgtweets 
@MegsHAUSTED HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
@marcusthetoken A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
@MomofTeen 40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
@AndyAsAdjective I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
@KentWGraham My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
@Ryan_Patricks *Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
@oneawkwardmom I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
@DurtMcHurtt *running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
@Tbone7219 People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.