The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
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Me, after a minor inconvenience:
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???