I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
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[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Love it! 👍😂
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.