*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
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Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*