Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
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Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations