Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

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Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”


I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.


Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.


Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out


I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.


Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one

My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word


I’m rubber. You’re glue.

I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.


I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.