Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
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This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Extremely relatable.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
so i’m at the stock market right