Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
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[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.