I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
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Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me