mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
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My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
This makes total sense…
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.