*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
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I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up