The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!