Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
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Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard