My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
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In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
doing some research
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell