(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.